I am a registered nurse, with the most precious job in the world, for almost 30 years. I started out as a staff nurse in a NICU, then joined the Neonatal Transport Team, moved into a management position for 8 years, then on to education for 8 years. I have loved every aspect of my career and it was been a wonderful experience, affording me uncountable opportunities for learning and personal growth. After 26 years in the field, I made a very difficult personal decision. I decided to go back to NICU as a staff nurse. The decision was difficult because I loved teaching, but my first and most true love was working bedside in the NICU. So, I went "home" to hopefully finish my career the same way I started it: taking care of premature babies and their families.
All through my career there have been ups and downs in NICU, as I assume there are in all units. As the assistant nurse manager in NICU it was part of my job to address those issues. Then as an educator I often felt it was my job to "fix" those issues. There are countless hours spent listening, teaching, brainstorming to the root of those issues and seeking solutions. I'm sure nursing will always face this perpetual process.
When I came back to the unit as a staff nurse, the NICU was experiencing one of the "downs". Not only in census but especially in morale. The low census meant the staff nurses were floating to work outside their home unit, and taking many mandatory days off (for many employees that meant time off without pay or using their precious vacation/ETO time just to have a paycheck). For the first time in over 16 years I began to fit into this group of women as a peer, not as management. The level of discontent alarmed me. As I sat at the lunch table in the back room of NICU I listened to frustrated co-workers spending their 30 minute break time expressing their feelings. Many lunch times felt like gripe sessions. It was no break at all. Once I said, "Hey, you guys, we're on break. Let's talk about something else." You can imagine the looks I got. I shared many of the same feelings but I was not interested in spending all my break time, everyday, talking about it. So, I started bringing my knitting to work.
I was working on a project that was easily picked up and put down, so I would rush through my food and spend the rest of my break time knitting. A couple of co-workers noticed immediately and expressed an interest in learning to knit. We made a shopping list and they got their supplies and I taught a few of them how to knit that very first week. Then they started bringing their knitting to work. People started to notice that they were no longer griping about work, they were showing each other their knitting, they were comparing stitches and their progress, they were sharing patterns and books they had found.
One day I was working NICU and caring for my primary baby, a tiny preemie. Next to her in her bed lay a knitted hat that had been made by volunteers and donated to the nursery. It was brown and tan yarn. We appreciate the contribution volunteers make to our unit, their time and talents used so unselfishly to provide items for the babies. But, this sweet baby was a beautiful two-pound girly girl. I asked her mom, "Are you attached to that hat?" She smiled and said, "Are you kidding?" I told her, "I think this girl needs PINK!" Mom agreed. That evening I stopped and purchased the most beautiful, soft pale pink yarn I could find. A couple of days later I presented my primary baby and her mommy a beautiful hand-knitted hat, soft as butter, that would fit a small lemon. Mom took it from me, turned it over and over in her hands, and started to cry. She said, "It's tiny." We put it on her baby, it fit her perfectly. She hugged me and still crying, she said, "She's never going to outgrow this, is she?" Her baby was having ups and downs too, she was still on the ventilator, on almost maximum support, on antibiotics, IV's (PIC line) and continuous feedings--still on the critical list.
I was surprised by her reaction. I answered her, "Of course, she will outgrow this, we will look forward to her outgrowing this." Mom said, "Meredith, do you really believe that?" I said, "Yes, I do." I went home that night and could not get that conversation to stop playing in my mind. I knew what I had to do. The next day I worked I gave mom another hat, "one to grow into". It was the exact same yarn and stitches, just bigger, 3-6 month size. Again, hugs and tears from Mom. And she told me something that day that I will never forget. She said, "Meredith, this hat gives me hope." She rolled it up and tucked it into the nest that was holding her daughter. The baby wrapped her arms around it and we noticed her tiny hands feeling the softness of it. I have a picture of this micro-preemie, nested in her bed, intubated and connected to tubes and wires, wearing her tiny hat and hugging her "to grow into" hat.
A few weeks later, this little sweetheart got NEC. Necrotizing entercolitis is a dreaded diagnosis in the NICU. She got transferred to another hospital for surgery. Her mom called us every few weeks to tell us how she was doing. When she was 4 months old we got word that she was being transferred back to our hospital. She would be admitted to the pediatric floor for the rest of her recovery time. She had never been home. The day she arrived, her mom called me to tell me they were there. As soon as my shift was over, I ran to see them. As I opened the door, I saw her, in a pediatric crib, still on nasal cannula oxygen, a PIC line and colostomy, wearing her "Big Girl" pink hat. Her mom was smiling ear-to-ear. She said, "Look, she DID grow into it! Do you want to hold her?" Silly question!!!
From that moment on, I knew, I would never again knit just one hat, they must come in pairs for these tiny people. One for now, and one to grow into. I shared this with my now-knitting friends in NICU and pairs of hats began to show up in NICU beds. Primary nurses are knitting for their primary babies, and the parents love it. Each family has enjoyed taking photos of them in their hats and have sent me pictures of them later wearing their big hats.
The knitting nurses began needing more attention than break time would afford, so we started meeting at a local yarn shop once a month and knitting together. Most of the time is spent getting new knitters started and fixing problem stitches. We spend time there picking out our next project, getting them started and dreaming about what we want to make "someday". Conversations would drift from knitting to family, babies and life. Very little work-gripe talk, what a big change from just a few months ago.
I have arrived at work many times, 0630, standing at the desk waiting for assignments, and nurses are arriving and greeting each other with, "I couldn't wait to get here to show you how much I got done", "look what I am working on" and "oh, no, what did I do, can you fix it?" Yes, I said that nurses actually have said, "I couldn't wait to get to work........". I have never heard that out of nurses, for any reason. If you had asked me "what can we do to raise morale in NICU?" I would have said, "I don't have a clue." If I had said, "I'm going to teach them to knit", you (and I) would have thought "what a crazy idea." A crazy, powerful, simple idea. It wasn't my idea, it just happened, but the results are awesome.
To date, I have taught over 60 people how to knit. Nurses, respiratory therapists, mothers of patients and friends are knitting, smiling and sharing. Knitting won't fix everything in the world, but for us, it's a start.
it is strange to correlate knitting to contentment but that is exactly what it is. it becomes a sense of belonging, a purpose of passion, and brings a hope to those that feel things may be hopeless. You once again amaze me with the eloquent form of your writing...filled with the compassion and love from your heart. i dare repeat myself in saying...you are an amazing woman Meredith & i am so blessed by the memories we hold and that we are friends...our hearts knitted together. Psalm 139:13 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." (NLT)
Posted by: holly jo | 01/24/2010 at 06:49 AM
love you!
Posted by: preemiesxo | 01/24/2010 at 06:56 AM